Daniel Howell/Phil Lester
Hey boys, @danielhowell @amazingphil
I sent you guys a message a couple minutes ago, desperate ones. And I just feel like…i need to make one that goes to both of you, I know neither of you will see this or the messages I sent, but before I give up on everything, I thought I’d give my last try to you guys.
I bought 2 tickets to your show the second they came out, and now it’s 7 days away, in Sugar Land….and because I’m such a shit show and the worst daughter there ever was, I can’t go.
So this is my apology to you guys for that.
I wanted to go and support you guys in real life. I wanted to see you guys, in real life, cause I knew it was my only chance to do so, cause I live in the valley and NO ONE famous comes down here, and I don’t blame them
But I’m so sorry I let you guys down, I really am.
You guys changed me for the better, but I’m not living my truth Dan and I’m not being myself Phil. And I’m so sorry.
I’m still crying as I write this, and the tears sent gonna stop for a couple of days or weeks, but just know, I’m gonna be fine. I’m always fine.
Ya see, I kinda stopped my mental health medication cold, 2 weeks ago and the emotions are hitting me hard, and I haven’t had to deal with them since I was put on meds when I was around 13 so it’s been 4 years that the meds have numbed them and I’ve neglected them, but now I have them again, and I was okay at first cause I was spending time with my mom and away from my dad but now I’m back, being locked away at home, just laying in bed, waiting for my life to change. But I know nothing’s gonna happen if I don’t try
So I did try yesterday and today, and all I got was hurt and I didn’t know you could break something as broken as I am, but you can, and now I’m just glass dust, im back to being sand.
I was sand once before, but you boys gave me heat of joy and I became glass, and for a while I was crystal, but now….i thought if I went to go see you guys be yourself and see just how far you’ve come and grown all these years in person, I’d be glass again, but I can’t go, so I will be sand, for a long time.
But thank you boys for being you! Thank you boys for being there for all your fans even when you didn’t know it, even when all it took was your smile to brighten a person’s day across the world through a screen
Phil, @amazingphil right, magic is real. What you do as a living, THAT’S YOUR POWER. You are a wizard, you are magical, you are the light in so many people lives, all you have to do is smile and be yourself, and that’s enough, that’s enough to make so many people see the light again. You are the sun in so many people’s rainy day.
Daniel,@danielhowell you are the moon in so many people’s dark nights. You are the soft pale, moonlight that bounces off the oceans waters and reflects, showing it’s own reflection. The stars are your personalities and fears and everything else, they don’t outshine you, they just help you shine brighter. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND
Take care boys @danielhowell @amazingphil
I am so sorry, so so so sorry.
-Paulina Jones